Life in the Blue

Had the company Christmas party this weekend. Delayed by snow to late January so everything was nice and festive.

Like all things Christmas Party, it was dangerous. Sushi dinner at the Drunken Fish, good times at the Dubliner. At one point I was attempting to get one of our under 21-year-old employees into a bar. Mind you that 10 other people from our group had already entered and were in the process of spending copious amounts of cash on vodka sprites and Georgia peaches. I offer the bouncer $20 to get this guy in. And he responds with “Twenty bucks? Or my job?” And won’t let the dude in.

Never mind you that this place was a lawlessness cesspool of under 21-year-old, too hot to trot Central West Enders. But this guy made it seem like he was giving up his long time career. There are only two possible outcomes. A) No one will care and you make $20. B) There is a less than 1 percent chance someone does care. You make $20 and you have another bouncer job what, tomorrow? I mean it isn’t like you have worked your whole life to have the prestigious career of a bouncer. Those jobs are a dime a dozen. So how wise was he really in choosing risking the one percent chance someone would care for $20. I say not really.

I need to get one other thing off my chest here. How on Earth did Andy Defrese get a zip-lock bag in Shawshank Redemption in the 1950s? Remember when he crawls thru the sewer and comes out in the lake with his clothes in the bag? What technology existed in this time period to keep his cloths bone dry? I am fully convinced that Red was a man who could get his hands on anything, but a zip-lock bag? And then there was that part where they are worried Andy will hang himself and the one guy says “I got Andy 6 feet of rope.” Don’t you think this would have been the opportunity for Red to tune in with “I got Andy a zip-lock bag.” I swear this is the most ‘How does no one ever notice this’ event in a movie of all time.

Anyway, happy Monday. Apple Bottom Jeans…Boots with the fur…

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I cannot live in world where Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin are in the Super Bowl. Eli Manning will give that deer in the headlights look after he throws his third interception. Coughlin will be yelling at him like “I told you not to throw it to the other team!” It will be horrible. I decided the only way to get thru it will be to get drunk so I invented a drinking game for it:

Every time Eli gives you the look like he is unclear if he is at a football game or shopping at the mall, everyone drinks. Also, if you are the first to spot Coughlin standing with his clipboard, one knee bent and hands on his hips with the look of bewilderment on his face, you get to pass out a shot.

The New York Giants are the most stunning Super Bowl team in my life. There is not one of you out there, for all of you who are geniuses, who thought that the Giants were the best team in the NFC until Sunday, on the last play of the game. There were blown out in their first two games. The Cowboys crushed them. The Packers beat them in the Meadowlands. The Vikings clobbered them.

Really, the most exciting part of the season for the Giants was a loss at home to the Patriots. How did the Giants get here? Can’t we blame the BCS. Maybe we can blame Global Warming.

I wanted Packers Patriots. I had the game all planned out. Now I get a game I saw a month ago? If any of the presidential candidates can pass a law to keep the Giants out of the Super Bowl, they have my vote. The patriots now have two weeks for a team they already beat, on the road. I love the Patriots in that one. Print it.

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Is there some new policy in the NFL that when you have the ball on the 1 yard-line you have to throw a fade to the corner of the end zone?

I see it all the time now. Same thing on the two point conversion. These teams that run, run, run all the way down the field, get one yard away, and then feel like they have to run one of the hardest plays in the book to get the touchdown. Every team does it. I just don’t get it.

I saw it in the Jags - Steelers game just this weekend. My friends and I were at the pub when late in the 4th with Pittsburgh down by 5, they get 2nd and goal at the 1. I look to my friend and say, “Welp, I guess this is where we see the fade to the corner of the endzone.” Sure enough, the next two plays are Roethlisberger looking to throw the fade.

As a side note, when did Ben Roethlisberger become known simply as “Ben?” No other player in all of sports gets called only by his first name. Watch when he plays, all the announcers, namley Al Michaels, will say “Ben drops back to pass?” I guess they are on a first name basis.

Anyway, luckily for the Steelers, the Jags commit a penalty on one of the fades so they get first and goal still at the one. Run up the middle. At what do you know, easy touchdown. I don’t know why they couldn’t have run that play 3 downs ago, but whatever. But then sure enough, on what turned out to be the game-losing two point conversion, what do they decide to do? “Ben drops back to pass…”

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All I have heard is about how the Detroit Tigers are going to go 162-0 this year. Because of their big trade with the Marlins. I don’t really see it, so let’s talk about the Tigers trade.

This notion that Dontrelle Willis, who had a 5.5 ERA in the National League, you know, pitching to pitchers, is going to be so great, I don’t get it. I mean I can’t wait till he faces the Yankee lineup. His ERA might be like 8.

The keystone of this trade was obviously Miguel Cabrera, who everyone wants to say is the next A-Rod. But he is 24 years old and looks like he ate A-Rod. So you have that coupled with Edgar Renteria, who is getting kind of doughy. I think AL teams should spend like $100,000 per game when the Tigers come to town on the visiting clubhouse post game spread. And they should start setting it up before the game. With like steak and lobster, and copious of beer and deserts.

Cabrera will just be salivating and saying to Edgar “Oh my god Edgar. Did you see that cake?”

And they will be completely lost all game. They could have a guy in the clubhouse with a fan, basically blowing the aromas onto the Detroit bench all game. They wouldn’t know what to do. The two of them will weigh 275 by the all start break.

I mean I guess it’s good to get Cabrera out of South beach, because I don’t think the night life in Detroit is equal to that in South Beach. So if he’s been livin’ it up and is putting it on that way, you know, with 3am Waffle House runs after a night at the club, it’s probably not going to be like that in Detroit, which is why you need the post game spread.

I basically want to hear stories of Gary Sheffield trying to physically restrain Cabrera from the buffet with a baseball bat. “Hey Miguel! Enough. No more cake!”

So I don’t know, that might work, and if it doesn’t, I don’t really care. I just think that would TCB, you know, Take Care of Business.

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This is meant to be a day in the life of Mike Redmond. He is the backup catcher and occasional designated hitter for the Minnesota Twins. In his 10 seasons, he is batting .290 with 13 home runs. The Twins have a double header at the Dome with the Red Sox.

 

9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed.

9:01 Lets out a blistering fart and takes 60 second piss on his hands, farts 5 more times.

9:03 Drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge.

9:05 Take out leftovers from the Kowloon pupu platter for 3 he picked up last night.

9:15 Grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone.

9:17 Takes a dump.

9:22 Sings Van Halen in the shower.

9:25 Shaves and leaves his goatee.

9:30 Takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror, screams out loud “MIKIE’S GOING DEEP TONIGHT!”

9:45 Puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tank-top and gets ready to leave.

9:50 Grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he’ll see them tomorrow.

9:57 Pulls onto I-35 with Led Zeppelin blaring, cuts three people off, gives the finger to all three people.

10:15 Pulls into the Metrodome, tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Twins starting catcher Joe Mauer in.

10:16 Puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family’s life if there is one scratch on his truck.

10:22 Walks into clubhouse and calls Mauer a homo for the first time today and 350th time this month, asks Mauer if he misses his boyfriend.

10:27 Takes another dump, leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by.

10:29 Looks for Louis Castillo, who was traded two months ago.

10:30 Gives Mauer a dead leg and calls him a homo. Confuses Alexi Casilla with Louis Castillo for 5th time this month. Tells ‘Castillo’ walks are for p**sies.

10:33 Stuffs Glen Perkins in a locker and pisses on him.

10:37 Goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Matt Garza.

10:45 Takes Nick Punto’s headphones off and steps on them, says until he is hitting .250, no music.

10:50 Gardenhire walks by and Mikie cuts him off and says “Is Mikie D-Hing the first game?”

10:55 Mikie tells Torri Hunter if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this: .375 average, 72 HRs, 52 Doubles, 9 Singles, 6 Walks, 220 K’S.

11:17 Writes back response to fan’s Letter “Hey P**sy, I don’t wear a cup because they are for p**sies like your boyfriend Mauer.”

11:30 Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on. Tells Cuddyer he should be buff like Mike.

11:45 After no stretching steps into the cage, ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure.

11:47 Takes 25 cuts, hits 17 over the wall and misses the other 8.

11:48 Calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Mauer for mixing in a curveball.

11:55 Tackles Pat Neshek and gives him wedgie, calls him a pickle smoker.

12:00 Mikie’s daily order of Double Chicken Parm arrives.

12:07 Mikie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Mauer’s locker.

12:15 Gardie posts lineup, Mikie sees he is not the DH, calls Gardenhire a p**sy.

12:25 Mikie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror, announcing “MIKIE IS GOING DEEP TONIGHT!”

12:45 Takes yet another dump, uses Mauer’s $350 silk shirt to wipe.

1:05 Game starts, Mikie tells Gardenhire he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers.

1:25 Mikie announces in the bottom of the first that he is ready to pinch hit for Mauer.

1:45 Jason Kubel comes in, Mikie tells him he sucks and will be back at AAA Rochester by 7 tonight.

1:55 Mikie’s 4 Dome Dogs arrive, pays with Mauer’s credit card.

2:15 Finishes shopping with Mauer’s credit card, maxed it out at Auto Zone.

2:30 Dozes off.

3:30 Sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and Garza.

3:33 Announces himself ready to pinch hit in the ninth.

4:30 Twins lose game, Mikie tells Gardenhire he should have DH’ed him.

5:00 Mikie tells Mauer singles are for p**sies.

5:30 Mikie takes batting practice again, refuses to bunt.

5:33 Mikie hit 22 pitches over the wall 11 fair, 11 foul, all pulled, he missed 15 pitches.

6:00 Mikie see’s name in lineup, calls Gardenhire a p**sy for batting him 8th. Asks Jason Bartlett if he is Mexican.

6:05 Mikie demands to bat cleanup.

6:25 Announces that Mikie is going deep tonight.

6:30 Dinner arrives, 2 steaks. Mikie pours steak juice into Mauer’s locker and makes Carlos Silva eat the fat.

6:35 Mikie gives Scott Baker an atomic wedgie.

7:00 Tells Garza to show some balls tonight and don’t throw anything in the dirt.

7:10 Scoreless first. Mikie tells Gardenhire it must be the catching. Asks Boof Bonser if he knows any Mexicans. Boof says no, Reyes runs and hides in the bullpen.

7:25 Mikie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep.

7:27 Mikie screams at pitcher, tells him he is a p***y and he is taking him deep.

7:30 Mikie hits bomb off the wall, coasts into second. Almost gets thrown out.

7:31 Tells pitcher his fastball sucks. Tells shortstop and second baseman that he “didn’t get all of it.”

8:15 Man on first, no one out. Mikie says “Smell those RBI’s.” Mikie ropes a rocket to third, third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Mikie.

8:16 Fans boo Mikie.

8:17 Mikie tells family of 4 to get lost and steals some kid’s hot dog on way to dugout.

8:18 Mikie is tired and is happy he hit into a double play, as he did not want to run the bases anymore.

9:10 Mikie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs. Calls pitcher/catcher/ump all p**sies.

9:30 9th inning. Mikie is exhausted. Walks out to the mound and calls Joe Nathan a p**sy and tells him to just bring the heat. Mikie wants to get home.

9:50 Twins win. Mikie showers and walks around the clubhouse naked.

9:55 Mikie shaves and leaves a goatee.

10:00 Knocks Mauer off his exercise bike. Calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse.

10:10 Cuts off 4 Twins fans. Gives the bird to everyone near him.

10:25 Arrives at Chinese Restaurant on Hennepin.

10:45 Sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for 3.

12:00 Stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn, goes for a dip in his above ground pool.

12:10 Leaves tighty whiteys on his neighbor’s windshield.

12:15 Walks into the house naked and screams “WHO SAW THE BOMB I HIT TONIGHT?”

12:30 Wakes up the whole neighborhood.

12:45 Takes 35 swings naked and orders porn.

12:55 Pulls out a bucket of KFC and gets ready for the movie.

1:15 Mikie passes out on couch.

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One of my sites has recently launched a new section, military stud or dud. In order to kick that off in true fashion, I thought I would host my own stud or dud on the old blog here. Without further adieu, walk with me thru the NCAA mascot stud or dud contest.

Stud: Bucky Badger - University of Wisconsin-Madison. First things first, I am a big fan of not wearing pants, and apparently so is Bucky. He is clearly a stud on campus, and like me, he likes to party with his pants down. Probably when he is not busy at the club, he is busy chasing chicks up and down the streets of Madison with a stick. This is the kind of guy who walks into a bar with a 6-pack belt buckle, “just because he can.”

Dud: Green Wave Riptide – Tulane University. What the F is this? This guy looks like he came over from the Island of Misfit Mascots. Not only does his beak make me think he is some sort of pelican, which is totally not intimidating, his lack of feathers makes me think he is balding. He only has them on his head and arms, and they look like dreadlocks. Not to mention sweats under shorts are a big time fashion no no.

Stud: USC Trojan – University of Southern California. First, anyone on a white horse is straight up sweet as far as I am concerned. Second, anyone wearing a gold helmet with a gold sword is going to be a stud. I might start wearing a helmet and bringing a sword to work every day. Keep the people at bay. Not to mention every time their marching band plays that sweet fight song he just stares down the other team’s sideline and thumps his sword at them.

Dud: Goldie the Gopher - University of Minnesota. Let’s get one thing straight. You can’t just stick a color in front of a lame word and expect it to become sweet. It’s still just a Gopher. He looks like he belongs in an advertisment for soft kleenex. Not to mention the fact that a smiling gopher with buck teeth is not going to strike fear in anybody. Well, maybe Brownie the Koala Bear.

Stud: Cayenne the Ragin’ Cajun – University of Louisiana-Lafayette. The name alone is enough to be a stud. He looks buff and he clearly whitens his teeth daily. Then he has the cool wavy hair that basically says, “I’ve done a little modeling, but I don’t like to paint myself with that brush.” I bet if this guy were a real person, he would wear one of those sweet Tom Brady “Whoops I accidentally forgot to shave for the last three days” beards all the time.

Dud: Super Frog – Texas Christian University. McLovin! Is that you? Seriously though, The Horned Frogs? Is that supposed to imply that you lived in sweage so long you started growing horns? And I am supposed to be impressed by this? Here is how I see him introducing himself to me. “Hi, I have horn growths all over my head, neck, face, chest, arms and legs. Chicks dig them. Better yet, I am a frog, so that is super sweet. I am slimy, gross and live in swamps because no one wants to be anywhere near me. I wear these all black army issue tennis shoes. Got them on sale at K-Mart. I meet lots of girls there too.”

Stud: The Mountaineer – University of West Virginia. I don’t know from which mountain this guy climbed out from behind, but I wouldn’t want to be there. To put it this way, if I came home to find him with my girlfriend, I would probably go get him a glass of water in case he got thirsty. I mean the beard says it all. That is the most fierce beard I have ever seen. Basically, you go to the No Pants Dance Formal with the cute and cuddly Penn State Nittany Lion, then you go park with the Mountain Man after.

Dud: The Quaker – Pennsylvania University. Are those goggles? Is he going to go swimming at the football game? This person just looks like the Old Maid. Imagine Bucky Badger and this lump of clothing standing next to each other at mid court. No contest. Essentially, one of the highest regarded universities has chosen to represent itself with an old dude wearing goggles and some sort of scarf. Don’t forget your life jacket buddy.

Stud: Monty – University of Montana. Any person or thing on a motorcycle has my vote. Basically, this is a bear that looks at soft cuddly ones like UCLA’s Golden Bear or the Snuggle Bear and says, “Seriously?” He has a bandana and a leather jacket that just scream, “Yeah, I’ve done some time in prison.” I mean this guy looks like he smokes a pack of reds a day and does Quaaludes until 2am.

Dud: The Rattler – Florida A&M University. Apparently you are the only chick mascot in all of men’s sports. I cannot support this. Nothing against women’s mascots. I’ll get behind the Lady Volunteer anytime. But this is supposed to be a snake and it is wearing a dress. Barf. It’s not really even a mascot, but I guess more of a cheerleader wearing green and orange. Why don’t you go slither into something a little more comfortable.

Stud: Smokey – The University of Tennessee. He is wearing an orange tuxedo. This is awesome, if I had an orange tuxedo I would wear it every day of my life, exclusively, no matter the occasion. He looks like he is about to light up a cigar and throw some craps in Vegas. And I don’t support the dog mascot usually. Too many dog mascots that look like McGruff the crime fighting bulldog. Smokey, get yourself a cane and a top hat, a woman on each arm, and you are a stud.

Dud: The Sun Devil – Arizona State University. Woah! Check out that Mexi-Stash. And wow look at those pearly whites. That’s the biggest, whitest smile of any mascot I think. Looks like you are way too happy about something. The fact that you are supposed to be a devil gives this some credibility, but I think even the devil would find time to shave his pre-pubescent mustache in the morning. Particularly if he were going to get his picture taken.

Stud: Sebastian the Ibus – University of Miami. Really this is a tough one. First, your name is awesome in and of itself, so you get a few points there. That’s like guys named Bruce. They get a few extra points in life. The problem is you look like Daffy Duck, and I don’t even know why you are a duck. At least you are a mean looking duck. Maybe it’s more of a push.

Dud: Joe Vandal – University of Idaho. I am sorry, but this guy looks like he got hit in the side of the face with a shovel. His face is lopsided and his eyes look like he has been on a heroin bender for at least the last 3 to 4 days. I don’t even know what that is supposed to be on his head. It looks like it might be a hard hat, but it would be about three sizes too small. Maybe he is supposed to be the construction worker from the Village People. At any rate, this guy will be home alone on Friday nights practicing pretending like he is shooting a bow and arrow apparently.

Stud: The Scarlet Knight – Rutgers University. First, once again anything on a horse is bad ass. Second, I don’t know if you have ever seen this guy run around at games, but he acts like the drunkest person in the state of New Jersey. And if you have ever visited the state, you would know this is no small feat. He never stops all game, and basically has a “Yeah, I’m drunk, what are you gonna do about it” attitude. Not to mention that any drunk guy armed with a javelin, sword and horse should be feared.

Dud: The Rainbow Warrior – University of Hawaii. Roid Rage anyone? I mean basically you have a topless dude in a green cape. I have never seen a man wearing a cape in general or a green one in particular that I thought was a stud. And is that a banana on your head or are you just happy to see me?

That’s all folks. Don’t forget to vist the new site and vote for your own studs and duds.

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As all my readers know, I have been a die hard Minnesota Twins fan for many years. I still remember when Dan Gladden touched home plate in game 7 of the most exciting World Series ever played. I have left Minnesota but still travel to see the team when I get the chance. I put up with all kinds of trash speak from the friendly folks of ‘Cardinal Nation’ (pictured below) day in and day out. But I have always loved Twins baseball and stuck by it.

But I am afraid it might be getting time to jump ship. I just can’t take it anymore, watching the games is just too painful. The lack of any offensive at all is enough to make me want to mix Benadryl with some of those delicious new Miller Chills and spend the entire game in a sort of comatose state. But it is not that the offense is so bad that bothers me. It is that there is absolutely no sign that will turn around in the future.

What’s sad about this, is that the taxpayers of Hennepin County are going to build the Twins a brand new $522 million stadium financed by a sales tax increase. The lawmakers of Minnesota generously approved the legislation, with no vote from the taxpayers. In addition, they used good old eminent domain to claim the land for the ballpark. You know, because it ’servers the public good.’

But I am not even upset about that. I will be the first to admit that the inflatable toilet known as the Metrodome has got to go. It is probably the most outdated stadium in the major leagues, and going to games there feels kind of like walking into Johhny-On-The-Spot at a tailgate party. The Twins needed a new stadium, and though the way they got it was underhanded, still I can live with it.

The problem is that of course the new stadium came with promises that the Twins would field a team that would be able to win. A competitive team. But I simply do not see any movement by the Twins management to make this happen. Case in point, here are the events surrounding the trade and waiver period of the 2007 Minnesota Twins.

First, they trade Louis Castillo for a few minor league prospects. I can’t figure out this move. He was the only player on the Twins roster hitting above .300. At the time, they were about 6 games out, but GM Terry Ryan still says that he thinks they can compete. This move even managed to upset the ever quiet and easy to please Johan Santana, arguably the best, most consistent pitcher in the major leagues over the last 5 years. He makes the point that the Twins are always planning for the future, and will never pay to win now. Well this is bad news. The best pitcher in baseball correctly believes that his team will never be a serious contender.

And he is right. I understand that the Twins have to have prospects because they can’t go out on the free agent market and lock up marquee players. But there comes a time where you have to try to win now. With Torii Hunter gone after this season, and now Santana will obviously leave, that time was now. And what do they do? Trade their leadoff man and starting second baseman.

Look, you don’t trade your leadoff man if you are in a playoff race you think you can win. Period. Don’t tell me that you think you are going to compete for a division title and then trade one of your veterans and team leaders.

SideNote: If I have to watch another at bat from Rondell White I think I will lose it.

Ryan said he felt they could replace Castillo with Alexi Casilla and Nick Punto. Let’s look at this reasonably. Casilla was a nightmare when was up earlier in the year. He swings away and misses more wildly than a first timer at the Playboy Club. His stats certainly have not improved; currently he is hitting a mean .250 with 5 RBI’s. Punto on the other hand is barely able to keep his batting average above the Mendoza line.

But here is what really takes the cake. The very next day they allow Arizona to claim third baseman Jeff Cirillo off waivers. They didn’t even try to get anything for him, just gave him away to ‘make space on the roster.’ There are about 5 players hitting around .200 they could cut to make more space on the roster. Granted, Cirillo is not very good either, but he is better than Punto and Casilla. Furthermore, you just said that Punto would be moved to play second base, what, yesterday? Now you have to move Punto back to third, and your only option for second is Casilla. Essentially, if Ryan actually believed what he said that Punto could be moved to second, then after Cirillo leaving, the competitive them the Twins would field would not contain a third baseman.

Did I mention that White is batting .143 with 2 RBI’s? Can you believe that? And he is the designated hitter. I would vouch that whoever is pitching could hit better than that. A competitive team? Can you imagine the Tigers or Red Sox fielding a team with Mike Redmond or Rondell White as the DH?

So don’t blow smoke at me telling me that you are going to field a competitive team. The Twins management will never pay for it. And Cirillo was only due to make $1.5 million this year. Apparently still he was expendable because that is too much to ask to have a team with a third baseman on it.

This just in, apparently White is considering retirement at the end of the season. Considering retirement? Can you really retire from something when you should have been designated for assignment a year ago? Apparently he is considering retirement because he is terrible at hitting and provides no value to the team. His other option is playing out his career in AA Fargo. Yeah, I’d say retirement is the way to go on this one.

The end result of this was probably one of the worst Twins games I have ever seen yesterday. Of course Garza was a stud and pitched the lights out, but he was beaten by Kyle Davies because the Twins didn’t score a single run. They have scored 1 or fewer runs in 3 of the last 4 games. I mean it’s one thing if a Jason Verlander throws a gem against you, it’s entirely another if Kyle Davies does it.

And so the season drags on. Off to the west coast where they will return from with a sub .500 record and we can officially put a fork in the 2007 Minnesota Twins.

If the management doesn’t spend the money to beef up the lineup during the off season, the taxpayers should revolt over the stadium they are paying for to have this alleged competitive team. And they won’t and we will be left with a couple of players who would struggle to be on most teams AAA club.

But, alas, it is another beautiful summer day outside. May I suggest you take some life advice from my good friend and get outside and enjoy it. I recommend hitting the links for a quick 18. There are more important things in life than debating the middle infield of the Minnesota Twins.

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That’s right boys and girls, I can’t do it all myself. Fortunately I live in a town of 75,000 people, and 35,000 are college students, so there is always an endless supply of cheap labor. However, finding a diamond in the rough of self indulgent underachieving college students can be quite a daunting task. Fortunately, I was blessed with the excellent work and ideas from two students at good ole Mizzou.

One of them wanted to share a bit about her experience as a SEM intern. She is an up and coming one, watch out for her at PubCon 2012 my friends…

In my recent internship interviews, the one thing every potential employer always narrows in on is what I have on my resume as a search marketing assistant. They usually then proceed to tell me how impressive and rare it is to see someone, especially my age, with experience and knowledge in online search ads and programs such as those in Google AdWords and Yahoo Search Marketing. For the first time, I have learned real skills from a job that I can carry with me throughout my career in advertising. As the internet marketing industry grows at an almost alarming rate, these skills will only be more beneficial as time progresses.

There were many other aspects that I enjoyed about this job as well. For one, I had the opportunity to express a form of creativity through landing page testing and Google advertisement testing. While these tasks sometimes felt tedious and repetitive, I take pride in the fact that I was able to continually think of new words and strategies every time. In a way, this taught me that no matter what, ideas are never-ending and something new will always be out there.

That’s right my friend, great ideas are everywhere.

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Google is doing all kinds of updates these days, they rolled out the new Google Analytics last week. Occam’s Razor had a great post on a lot of the new features, check it out.

My only beef is that they got rid of the dynamic content report. Anyone have any ideas on how to access the information that used to be in this report?

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Well, it’s official. I have been cancelled. Despite all arguments to the contrary, apparently it is possible for a blogger to be cancelled. Now I know what it would feel like to be on The OC. One day you are living the good life in the blue, making fun of the chicks in Mission Viejo, and the next day you are yesterday’s reef sandals.

In early April Google announced they would be switching the blue adwords background to yellow, leaving my ‘lifeintheblue’ domain about as useful as Brent Musburger’s commentary about the game of college basketball or the west coast offense. I had been seeing some blue and some yellow for the past month, but it appears it is all yellow all day now, leaving me rather…well…blue.

The part I don’t get is that now you have to click on the title of the ad in order to be taken to the lading page of the ad. Before you used to be able to click anywhere on the ad. I would think this would lower the overall CTR of pay per click ads. But perhaps it increases the amount of quality clicks, since it would be much harder to accidentally click on a PPC ad, resulting in fewer bounces.

Of course I can only assume Google has my best interests in mind. With no real way to do some sort of control testing, it is hard to tell if the new gold way is making a difference in click thru rate. But I trust Google. I trust Google to watch me while I sleep at night, take care of me when I am sad, or protect me from the evils of life in the real world. I am sure they know what they are doing. There has got to be either an increase in CTR, or decrease in bounce rate with the gold set up. Google doesn’t do things just because they woke up and felt like doing work just for the sake of work.

So, lifeintheblue readers, this is our last blue dance. Enviseo tells me that blogging is uncool anyway. It was a passing fad around here that came and went just as fast as America’s fascination with Hanson. And I trust Enviseo too. People follow him to know what jeans to wear, food to eat and music to listen to. So it is probably best to follow his advice on when and when not to blog as well.

I will still be around, to lend my help, advice and tender loving care here and there. I considered doing a 301 to lifeinthegold, but some people haven’t had success with that, so I think I will stick with this domain, it has grown on me.

So if you can’t sleep at night, still check it out, and hopefully my continued mastery of the English language and written word will sooth your otherwise restless soul.

Point being, if three years ago you had told me I would be maintaining a blog, I would have called you a monkeys uncle. So I don’t view this as a failure. This is a success. I aimed so low, that even since I succeeded, no one cared. Abandon hope all ye who enter.

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