Life in the Blue

My Great Success friend has an on going segment he likes to call interview with a friend. We took some time to nestle together on the sandy beaches of Key West for a nice sit and chat. Check it out for a few giggles. NOTE: You should probably only follow this link if you were born in 1980 or later. Enjoy

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Coming to you live from Key West. As I am typing this there is a darling old couple next to me that is having a discussion about what their password should be to buy some tickets online from a broker. They have been debating it for 3 minutes. Seriously. Seems to be some discontent. They also found the fact that you had to provide an email as rather off putting, since they won’t be at home to get it. Strange. Now they bought tickets, and are confused who to call since the tickets will be at “will call” so they think they “will call them.” The father is also very concerned that he should “re-boot” the computer, because somehow that will help prevent those notorious hackers.

Moving on, good trip. Lot’s of sun and BL Smoothies. And the trip has still afforded me the opportunity to keep up the Bubble Watch. My predictions:

1	Kansas	UCLA	North Carolina	Memphis
2	Georgetown	Tennessee	Wisconsin	Texas
3	Duke	Louisville	Notre Dame	Stanford
4	Xavier	Drake	Connecticut	Clemson
5	Purdue	Vanderbilt	Marquette	Butler
6	Miss St	BYU	Washington St	Pittsburgh
7	UNLV	Texas AM	Oklahoma	Michigan St
8	Arkansas	USC	Kansas St	Gonzaga
9	Kent St	Indiana	Baylor	St Marys
10	Temple	West Virginia	Miami	Arizona
11	Villanova	San Diego	South Alabama	Davidson
12	Kentucky	Western Kentucky	Alabama	Illinois State
13	Oral Roberts	St Joes	Georgia	Boise St
14	Siena	Cornell	CSU Fullerton	Austin Peay
15	Winthrop	Maryland-BC	Belmont	American
16	Texas-Arlington	Mt St Marys	Portland St	Miss Valley St	Coppin St

Much love to all.

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I have long supported the month of March. It is by far the best month of the year. The weather warms up, Daylight Savings time starts, it has my birthday, and we have the madness of March with the American Institution of Cingular at the half. The NCAA tournament is like a national holiday on Thursday and Friday afternoon mid March. Sometimes the games aren’t great and the teams aren’t good. But when all the barking about who’s bubble burst is over, let the games begin. It’s that drive that is in everyone to see David slay Goliath that makes us watch. And everyone watches. Duke vs Maryland-Baltimore City? Doesn’t look like much more than a walk thru cupcake, but you have to tune in. It’s bred within our DNA. It’s science.

Not to mention spring break. Yes, I still go on Spring Break. And I plan to every year for the next 70 years. (And I am one of the youngest people going on this trip by far.) Annual trip to Key West to welcome in the spring. The sun coming back is good times for all of us my friends. And there has always been something about the warmer weather that makes me want to booze more frequently and with greater intensity.

To elaborate on this theme, welcome our red-headed guest blogger again. Proceed.

Thank God for an extra day of February. I can’t get enough snow, slush, washer fluid, dirt, mud, fog, nose bleeds, and wet pant bottoms. However, as spring approaches hope springs eternal, and it won’t be long now until my life-long apathy towards college basketball is here-by lifted for a mere month, and I fill out a bracket of meaningless games held in crappy arenas throughout the country, not because I actually like the games or watching the University of Alabama-Birmingham lose to Michigan State by 10 points in a game marred by never ending commercials, idiot commentators and the fact that the last 2 minutes of the game takes just as long as the total first half. But because the television options are so slim that I would be sentenced to watching shows like “Lost” “American Idol”, and the worst of the bunch, ESPN’s NFL free agent and combine coverage….. “That guy can bench press 200 lbs 45 times in a minute! Oh my god he’d look good in green and gold!! But anyhow, my point is that I have that feeling, like THIS could be the year for me to win the tourney bracket .There is something in the water here in Minneapolis that breeds losers, but I have a feeling… so you are all on notice. March madness is descending upon us, and I plan on attacking it like one of those nights when you go out intending to have “a few beers,” almost indifferent like. And then before you know it you are taking shots of tequila and smoking menthols until 2am. Then morning comes and you forgot all that you did the night before. Gentlemen, march is my unexpected bender, and April 3 is my morning after. Much love to all.

Well said my friend. Welcome spring, will always be, just so long as we have we.

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My web designer friend launched this game for Valentines Day. If you find yourself sitting at home alone this Thursday, pass the time with this. If you have a hot date, you could use this as an ice breaker of conversation before the evening begins. Any movie buffs will love it. Check it out.

Web Design

It also comes with a contest for sharing the love to win $500. Sign up and good luck.

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We have a guest blogger in the Blue today. A red head transplanted from Husker Nation to the Northland. Take it away hombre.

I’m turning all Twins gear into the dome at Noon tomorrow. Let me know if you have any remaining items at your parent’s house, and I’ll stop by and take it off their hands for you.

I’m going to buy an Angels hat, maybe a Brewers cap as well. Because it’s all over. Its been a good run. Back to back to back AL Central titles to flat on their back to another title to flat on their back again. It was a nice run, one ALCS appearance, multiple first round flame-outs, and two mid season disasters, sprinkled with retarded signings such as Tony Batista, Jeff Cirillo, and Sidney Ponson. Maybe they couldn’t resign Hunter, I tried to understand.

Editor’s Note: How much longer are we going to buy this ’small market’ BS the Twins keep giving us? That they are a small market team so they can’t afford to keep players. Anaheim isn’t even the most popular team in their own city and they were able to get Hunter. The Twins dominate a 5 state area and can’t keep him? I don’t get it. Sorry for stealing your thunder. Back to the red-headed step-child.

But trading the best pitcher of our era for 4 unproven minor leaguers is where I finally decide after much consideration, that I cannot support this team any longer.

How can you not get a proven player in this deal to plug a hole on your leaky roster? I’m not asking for a super star like Jose Reyes or David Wright, although neither should have been out of the question. We could of had Melky Cabrera, Troy, Bucholtz, Jonathan Lester or Jacoby Ellsbury. Instead we got two Puerto Ricans and two beer league All-Stars. I’m absolutely at a loss. I’m out.

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Had the company Christmas party this weekend. Delayed by snow to late January so everything was nice and festive.

Like all things Christmas Party, it was dangerous. Sushi dinner at the Drunken Fish, good times at the Dubliner. At one point I was attempting to get one of our under 21-year-old employees into a bar. Mind you that 10 other people from our group had already entered and were in the process of spending copious amounts of cash on vodka sprites and Georgia peaches. I offer the bouncer $20 to get this guy in. And he responds with “Twenty bucks? Or my job?” And won’t let the dude in.

Never mind you that this place was a lawlessness cesspool of under 21-year-old, too hot to trot Central West Enders. But this guy made it seem like he was giving up his long time career. There are only two possible outcomes. A) No one will care and you make $20. B) There is a less than 1 percent chance someone does care. You make $20 and you have another bouncer job what, tomorrow? I mean it isn’t like you have worked your whole life to have the prestigious career of a bouncer. Those jobs are a dime a dozen. So how wise was he really in choosing risking the one percent chance someone would care for $20. I say not really.

I need to get one other thing off my chest here. How on Earth did Andy Defrese get a zip-lock bag in Shawshank Redemption in the 1950s? Remember when he crawls thru the sewer and comes out in the lake with his clothes in the bag? What technology existed in this time period to keep his cloths bone dry? I am fully convinced that Red was a man who could get his hands on anything, but a zip-lock bag? And then there was that part where they are worried Andy will hang himself and the one guy says “I got Andy 6 feet of rope.” Don’t you think this would have been the opportunity for Red to tune in with “I got Andy a zip-lock bag.” I swear this is the most ‘How does no one ever notice this’ event in a movie of all time.

Anyway, happy Monday. Apple Bottom Jeans…Boots with the fur…

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I cannot live in world where Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin are in the Super Bowl. Eli Manning will give that deer in the headlights look after he throws his third interception. Coughlin will be yelling at him like “I told you not to throw it to the other team!” It will be horrible. I decided the only way to get thru it will be to get drunk so I invented a drinking game for it:

Every time Eli gives you the look like he is unclear if he is at a football game or shopping at the mall, everyone drinks. Also, if you are the first to spot Coughlin standing with his clipboard, one knee bent and hands on his hips with the look of bewilderment on his face, you get to pass out a shot.

The New York Giants are the most stunning Super Bowl team in my life. There is not one of you out there, for all of you who are geniuses, who thought that the Giants were the best team in the NFC until Sunday, on the last play of the game. There were blown out in their first two games. The Cowboys crushed them. The Packers beat them in the Meadowlands. The Vikings clobbered them.

Really, the most exciting part of the season for the Giants was a loss at home to the Patriots. How did the Giants get here? Can’t we blame the BCS. Maybe we can blame Global Warming.

I wanted Packers Patriots. I had the game all planned out. Now I get a game I saw a month ago? If any of the presidential candidates can pass a law to keep the Giants out of the Super Bowl, they have my vote. The patriots now have two weeks for a team they already beat, on the road. I love the Patriots in that one. Print it.

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Is there some new policy in the NFL that when you have the ball on the 1 yard-line you have to throw a fade to the corner of the end zone?

I see it all the time now. Same thing on the two point conversion. These teams that run, run, run all the way down the field, get one yard away, and then feel like they have to run one of the hardest plays in the book to get the touchdown. Every team does it. I just don’t get it.

I saw it in the Jags - Steelers game just this weekend. My friends and I were at the pub when late in the 4th with Pittsburgh down by 5, they get 2nd and goal at the 1. I look to my friend and say, “Welp, I guess this is where we see the fade to the corner of the endzone.” Sure enough, the next two plays are Roethlisberger looking to throw the fade.

As a side note, when did Ben Roethlisberger become known simply as “Ben?” No other player in all of sports gets called only by his first name. Watch when he plays, all the announcers, namley Al Michaels, will say “Ben drops back to pass?” I guess they are on a first name basis.

Anyway, luckily for the Steelers, the Jags commit a penalty on one of the fades so they get first and goal still at the one. Run up the middle. At what do you know, easy touchdown. I don’t know why they couldn’t have run that play 3 downs ago, but whatever. But then sure enough, on what turned out to be the game-losing two point conversion, what do they decide to do? “Ben drops back to pass…”

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All I have heard is about how the Detroit Tigers are going to go 162-0 this year. Because of their big trade with the Marlins. I don’t really see it, so let’s talk about the Tigers trade.

This notion that Dontrelle Willis, who had a 5.5 ERA in the National League, you know, pitching to pitchers, is going to be so great, I don’t get it. I mean I can’t wait till he faces the Yankee lineup. His ERA might be like 8.

The keystone of this trade was obviously Miguel Cabrera, who everyone wants to say is the next A-Rod. But he is 24 years old and looks like he ate A-Rod. So you have that coupled with Edgar Renteria, who is getting kind of doughy. I think AL teams should spend like $100,000 per game when the Tigers come to town on the visiting clubhouse post game spread. And they should start setting it up before the game. With like steak and lobster, and copious of beer and deserts.

Cabrera will just be salivating and saying to Edgar “Oh my god Edgar. Did you see that cake?”

And they will be completely lost all game. They could have a guy in the clubhouse with a fan, basically blowing the aromas onto the Detroit bench all game. They wouldn’t know what to do. The two of them will weigh 275 by the all start break.

I mean I guess it’s good to get Cabrera out of South beach, because I don’t think the night life in Detroit is equal to that in South Beach. So if he’s been livin’ it up and is putting it on that way, you know, with 3am Waffle House runs after a night at the club, it’s probably not going to be like that in Detroit, which is why you need the post game spread.

I basically want to hear stories of Gary Sheffield trying to physically restrain Cabrera from the buffet with a baseball bat. “Hey Miguel! Enough. No more cake!”

So I don’t know, that might work, and if it doesn’t, I don’t really care. I just think that would TCB, you know, Take Care of Business.

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This is meant to be a day in the life of Mike Redmond. He is the backup catcher and occasional designated hitter for the Minnesota Twins. In his 10 seasons, he is batting .290 with 13 home runs. The Twins have a double header at the Dome with the Red Sox.

 

9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed.

9:01 Lets out a blistering fart and takes 60 second piss on his hands, farts 5 more times.

9:03 Drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge.

9:05 Take out leftovers from the Kowloon pupu platter for 3 he picked up last night.

9:15 Grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone.

9:17 Takes a dump.

9:22 Sings Van Halen in the shower.

9:25 Shaves and leaves his goatee.

9:30 Takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror, screams out loud “MIKIE’S GOING DEEP TONIGHT!”

9:45 Puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tank-top and gets ready to leave.

9:50 Grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he’ll see them tomorrow.

9:57 Pulls onto I-35 with Led Zeppelin blaring, cuts three people off, gives the finger to all three people.

10:15 Pulls into the Metrodome, tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Twins starting catcher Joe Mauer in.

10:16 Puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family’s life if there is one scratch on his truck.

10:22 Walks into clubhouse and calls Mauer a homo for the first time today and 350th time this month, asks Mauer if he misses his boyfriend.

10:27 Takes another dump, leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by.

10:29 Looks for Louis Castillo, who was traded two months ago.

10:30 Gives Mauer a dead leg and calls him a homo. Confuses Alexi Casilla with Louis Castillo for 5th time this month. Tells ‘Castillo’ walks are for p**sies.

10:33 Stuffs Glen Perkins in a locker and pisses on him.

10:37 Goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Matt Garza.

10:45 Takes Nick Punto’s headphones off and steps on them, says until he is hitting .250, no music.

10:50 Gardenhire walks by and Mikie cuts him off and says “Is Mikie D-Hing the first game?”

10:55 Mikie tells Torri Hunter if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this: .375 average, 72 HRs, 52 Doubles, 9 Singles, 6 Walks, 220 K’S.

11:17 Writes back response to fan’s Letter “Hey P**sy, I don’t wear a cup because they are for p**sies like your boyfriend Mauer.”

11:30 Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on. Tells Cuddyer he should be buff like Mike.

11:45 After no stretching steps into the cage, ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure.

11:47 Takes 25 cuts, hits 17 over the wall and misses the other 8.

11:48 Calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Mauer for mixing in a curveball.

11:55 Tackles Pat Neshek and gives him wedgie, calls him a pickle smoker.

12:00 Mikie’s daily order of Double Chicken Parm arrives.

12:07 Mikie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Mauer’s locker.

12:15 Gardie posts lineup, Mikie sees he is not the DH, calls Gardenhire a p**sy.

12:25 Mikie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror, announcing “MIKIE IS GOING DEEP TONIGHT!”

12:45 Takes yet another dump, uses Mauer’s $350 silk shirt to wipe.

1:05 Game starts, Mikie tells Gardenhire he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers.

1:25 Mikie announces in the bottom of the first that he is ready to pinch hit for Mauer.

1:45 Jason Kubel comes in, Mikie tells him he sucks and will be back at AAA Rochester by 7 tonight.

1:55 Mikie’s 4 Dome Dogs arrive, pays with Mauer’s credit card.

2:15 Finishes shopping with Mauer’s credit card, maxed it out at Auto Zone.

2:30 Dozes off.

3:30 Sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and Garza.

3:33 Announces himself ready to pinch hit in the ninth.

4:30 Twins lose game, Mikie tells Gardenhire he should have DH’ed him.

5:00 Mikie tells Mauer singles are for p**sies.

5:30 Mikie takes batting practice again, refuses to bunt.

5:33 Mikie hit 22 pitches over the wall 11 fair, 11 foul, all pulled, he missed 15 pitches.

6:00 Mikie see’s name in lineup, calls Gardenhire a p**sy for batting him 8th. Asks Jason Bartlett if he is Mexican.

6:05 Mikie demands to bat cleanup.

6:25 Announces that Mikie is going deep tonight.

6:30 Dinner arrives, 2 steaks. Mikie pours steak juice into Mauer’s locker and makes Carlos Silva eat the fat.

6:35 Mikie gives Scott Baker an atomic wedgie.

7:00 Tells Garza to show some balls tonight and don’t throw anything in the dirt.

7:10 Scoreless first. Mikie tells Gardenhire it must be the catching. Asks Boof Bonser if he knows any Mexicans. Boof says no, Reyes runs and hides in the bullpen.

7:25 Mikie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep.

7:27 Mikie screams at pitcher, tells him he is a p***y and he is taking him deep.

7:30 Mikie hits bomb off the wall, coasts into second. Almost gets thrown out.

7:31 Tells pitcher his fastball sucks. Tells shortstop and second baseman that he “didn’t get all of it.”

8:15 Man on first, no one out. Mikie says “Smell those RBI’s.” Mikie ropes a rocket to third, third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Mikie.

8:16 Fans boo Mikie.

8:17 Mikie tells family of 4 to get lost and steals some kid’s hot dog on way to dugout.

8:18 Mikie is tired and is happy he hit into a double play, as he did not want to run the bases anymore.

9:10 Mikie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs. Calls pitcher/catcher/ump all p**sies.

9:30 9th inning. Mikie is exhausted. Walks out to the mound and calls Joe Nathan a p**sy and tells him to just bring the heat. Mikie wants to get home.

9:50 Twins win. Mikie showers and walks around the clubhouse naked.

9:55 Mikie shaves and leaves a goatee.

10:00 Knocks Mauer off his exercise bike. Calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse.

10:10 Cuts off 4 Twins fans. Gives the bird to everyone near him.

10:25 Arrives at Chinese Restaurant on Hennepin.

10:45 Sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for 3.

12:00 Stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn, goes for a dip in his above ground pool.

12:10 Leaves tighty whiteys on his neighbor’s windshield.

12:15 Walks into the house naked and screams “WHO SAW THE BOMB I HIT TONIGHT?”

12:30 Wakes up the whole neighborhood.

12:45 Takes 35 swings naked and orders porn.

12:55 Pulls out a bucket of KFC and gets ready for the movie.

1:15 Mikie passes out on couch.

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