KANSAS CITY – Minnesota Twins pitcher Kevin Slowey threw six innings of one run baseball during the Twins 4-1 victory over the Kansas City Royals on Friday, causing the visibly proud rookie right hander to declare his performance “a genuine Slowey.” “A couple more Sloweys like this one and I could be in store for a Cy Young this season,” Slowey told reports after the game, adding that with his cut fastball working early, he was confident in his ability to deliver a Slowey.

“The last thing I wanted to do was go out there and Hernandez up the joint.” Slowey later added that he dreams of one day throwing a perfect Slowey, though he said he is aware of how difficult it is to perform a feat requiring him to strike out 17 batters, walk three, give up one run and still get the loss.

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Plus One nine that day.
The time was 10 to 1, with but 10 minutes left to play
Tim had ducked out early, and Dippold did the same
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game

Big Twelve had been a party, as was Tony C’s
But Blue Jay couldn’t find a mate with whom he was appeased

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to hope that Jay could touch a human breast.
They thought, if only Burcheck could get a whack at that
We’d put up even money, now, that he’d bust out a Jimmy Hat.

But Mitch preceded Blue Jay, as did Scotty what’s his name
And the former had a wife, and the latter had no game
So upon that stricken multitude grim, melancholy sat
Jay would have to sit and think, I bet they think I’m fat.

But Mitch took down the blond one, to the wonderment of it all
And Scotty talked the warcraft game with the one brunette and tall
And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,
There was a redhead left for Blue Jay. Ginger, but not a nerd.

For somehow success seemed likely for our friend the bird
Cause there was Mitchy safe at second, and Scotty was a huggin third.

Then from the dance floor packed with people there rose a lusty yell
It rumbled thru the valley, it rattled in the dell
It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled upon the flat
For Burcheck, Jay Blue Jay, was advancing to the bat

There was no ease in Burcheck’s manner as he stepped into his place
There was terror in Blue Jays bearing and worry on Blue Jays face
And when, saying hello, he said Nice Cardinals Hat.
No stranger in the crowd could doubt, - ’twas Burcheck at the bat.

He thought of Britts advice as he thought of what to say
Tell her that she’s sunglasses. I-H-I Jay Blue Jay
Then, he thought aloud, what would Nathaniel do?
I want him to hold my hand, and see this matter thru.

He first thought of soccer, but that was not too smart.
Or he could talk time clock, his passion at his heart
Or eighty’s music maybe, or the latest Main Squeeze blend
He needs more time to craft his line to take down this lady friend

And now a different girl says hello and breaks the night time air
But Blue Jay stood just watching her, no interest over there
Close by the wobbling Blue Jay, her evening dress was red
That aint my style said Blue Jay, strike one the bald man said.

Cullen, Josh and Bryan roared.
Like the beating of the storm waves, on a stern and distant shore
“Take her! Take down that one!” shouted Cullen from floor
And it’s likely he’d of done it, but then he thought, - “she’s poor”

He looked out to the crowd, and a new girl said “Hey You”
But Blue Jay still ignored it, and the bald man said ’strike two.’

“Her! Cried the maddened thousands and echo answered ‘Her!’
But one look back from Blue Jay and they knew he’d make one purr.
They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscle strain
And they knew that Blue Jay wouldn’t let a girl go by again.

The smile is gone from Blue Jay’s lip, his teeth are clenched in fear.
He turns back to the red head girl, maybe she wants a beer?
And now Blue Jay has his line and now he lets it go…
And now the air is shattered by the force of Blue Jay’s Blow

Somehow Blue Jay thought of beer pong, triumphs of foes he beat
And all blue jay could think to say, How’s the view from those cheap seats?

Oh somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light
And somewhere men are laughing and somewhere children shout
But there is no joy in Columbia today, mighty Blue Jay has struck out.

Also of note…Breaking news in the world of poor people today.

Congratulations my dear friend. You have taught me much in the ways of the female proletariat. From hair care techniques, to medium end denim to “Muffdive?” you have never steered me wrong. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. Without you, I would still be dating band chicks I met at the Vu.

Enjoy some photos from the main event.

• Sewing
• The Belmont Stakes
• Travel Agents
• Plungers
• Hostels
• County Fairs
• Rust
• Above Ground Pools
• Bug Zappers
• Uno
• American Cheese
• 2 Lane Highways
• Adopting Domestically
• Old Spice
• Wrapping Presents
• Kermit the Frog
• Wishful Thinking
• Lava Lamps
• Fools Gold
• That 70’s Show
• Conjugating Verbs
• Carbon Footprints
• TV Trays
• Change Purses
• Brown Cars
• Mending Pants
• Buying a Dog for Someone
• Hotmail
• Disposable Cameras
• Plants
• Canned Corn
• Screwdrivers
• Community College
• Arguing Balls and Strikes
• Duffel Bags
• Ashland Manor Apartments
• Construction Paper
• Paper Airplanes
• Merry Go Rounds
• The Rhythm Method

• Neon Signs
• AOL
• Denny’s
• Propel Home Loans
• Court Orders
• Tattoos
• Plastic Silverware
• The Color Purple
• Peanut Butter
• Paying for drinks on Southwest
• Popping Out to the Second Baseman
• The Six O’clock News
• Bleachers
• Yellow Mustard
• Continence Stores
• Folding Chairs
• Hardees
• The Detroit Tigers
• Excalibur in Vegas
• The Post Office

Revisit one of the things for poor people. “Calling Shotgun.” Try this, the next time you are with your friends and you leave the house to head to the pub, have everyone start walking to one car. Without question the one who first calls, “Shotgun!” Will be your poorest friend. If you are with a group of people and want to find the poorest of them, this is always an easy trick. Odds are, if your friend is of the female persuasion, she will have a tramp stamp tattoo as well. She will be the one eating Hardees’s in the bleacher seats at the Detroit Tigers game with extra yellow mustard later. She might make you swing by the post office on the way to the game too. 60%, of the time it works every time.

It works because they get what seems like a very little amount of money. Then they can use it to buy their cow, live off it, sell the milk, sell the cow and you get your money back. Everyone wins. Check out the entrepenure lending site.

Vegas just called. They want to fly us out there after the fight to party. LAX is reserving us the table on the center stage and complimentary bottle service.

My entourage is set. Let’s do this thing. Donkey! Cut me!

More things for Poor People

• Taking Notes
• Domestic Automobiles
• Scratch-Offs
• Ladders
• Borrowing Tools
• Sing-a-longs
• Fulton, MO
• Draft Beer
• Typewriters
• Answering Phones
• Voice Mails
• Nickels
• The CW Channel
• The Harlem Globetrotters
• Gardening
• Writing Checks
• Network Television
• The Dollar Menu
• Splitting the Check
• Wrestling
• Kool-Aid
• Long Division
• Public Pools
• Climbing Trees
• The PBA Tour
• Waiting Patiently
• The Blue Collar Comedy Tour
• Menthols
• Stamps
• Book Club
• To-Go Boxes
• Buffets
• Following Directions
• Calling Shotgun
• Being Careful

My two friends and I have been compiling a list of things that are for poor people. Leave additional ones as comments if you have some, and I know you do. Enjoy my dear readers.

Things for Poor People:

• Standing in Line
• Flying Commercial
• Counting
• Shuttle Busses
• Self Parking
• Drinking Fountains
• Carrying Luggage
• Holiday Inns
• Asking ‘Can you make change’
• Pay Telephones
• Watering Plants
• Coupons
• Measuring
• Pencils
• Stairs
• Proof Reading
• Stopping at Red Lights
• Paying Taxes
• Ashtrays
• Cats
• The Alphabet
• Maps
• Grocery Stores
• Saying Thank You
• Renting Anything
• Bleacher Seats
• Can Deposits
• Reservations
• Can Openers
• Diets
• Shovels
• Asking ‘What are your Drink Specials’
• Finding out How much something Costs
• The Drive Thru
• Going to the Bank
• Tornado Drills
• Shopping Retail
• Paying Parking Tickets
• Drinking in Socks
• Bar Soap
• Yesterday’s Fashion
• Health Savings Accounts
• Car Maintenance
• Refilling the Toilet Paper Roll
• Walgreen’s
• Clocks
• Any Bill that isn’t the Biggest
• The Local News
• Pot Pies
• Raising Children
• Weather
• Open Container Laws
• Hair Gel
• The Smell of Hot Leather
• Reading Menus
• Best Buy
• Lawn Chairs
• Traffic
• Boiling Water
• Neck Hair
• Woven Belts
• Voting
• Paying Cover
• Asking Permission