This is meant to be a day in the life of Mike Redmond. He is the backup catcher and occasional designated hitter for the Minnesota Twins. In his 10 seasons, he is batting .290 with 13 home runs. The Twins have a double header at the Dome with the Red Sox.
9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed.
9:01 Lets out a blistering fart and takes 60 second piss on his hands, farts 5 more times.
9:03 Drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge.
9:05 Take out leftovers from the Kowloon pupu platter for 3 he picked up last night.
9:15 Grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone.
9:17 Takes a dump.
9:22 Sings Van Halen in the shower.
9:25 Shaves and leaves his goatee.
9:30 Takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror, screams out loud “MIKIE’S GOING DEEP TONIGHT!”
9:45 Puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tank-top and gets ready to leave.
9:50 Grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he’ll see them tomorrow.
9:57 Pulls onto I-35 with Led Zeppelin blaring, cuts three people off, gives the finger to all three people.
10:15 Pulls into the Metrodome, tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Twins starting catcher Joe Mauer in.
10:16 Puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family’s life if there is one scratch on his truck.
10:22 Walks into clubhouse and calls Mauer a homo for the first time today and 350th time this month, asks Mauer if he misses his boyfriend.
10:27 Takes another dump, leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by.
10:29 Looks for Louis Castillo, who was traded two months ago.
10:30 Gives Mauer a dead leg and calls him a homo. Confuses Alexi Casilla with Louis Castillo for 5th time this month. Tells ‘Castillo’ walks are for p**sies.
10:33 Stuffs Glen Perkins in a locker and pisses on him.
10:37 Goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Matt Garza.
10:45 Takes Nick Punto’s headphones off and steps on them, says until he is hitting .250, no music.
10:50 Gardenhire walks by and Mikie cuts him off and says “Is Mikie D-Hing the first game?”
10:55 Mikie tells Torri Hunter if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this: .375 average, 72 HRs, 52 Doubles, 9 Singles, 6 Walks, 220 K’S.
11:17 Writes back response to fan’s Letter “Hey P**sy, I don’t wear a cup because they are for p**sies like your boyfriend Mauer.”
11:30 Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on. Tells Cuddyer he should be buff like Mike.
11:45 After no stretching steps into the cage, ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure.
11:47 Takes 25 cuts, hits 17 over the wall and misses the other 8.
11:48 Calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Mauer for mixing in a curveball.
11:55 Tackles Pat Neshek and gives him wedgie, calls him a pickle smoker.
12:00 Mikie’s daily order of Double Chicken Parm arrives.
12:07 Mikie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Mauer’s locker.
12:15 Gardie posts lineup, Mikie sees he is not the DH, calls Gardenhire a p**sy.
12:25 Mikie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror, announcing “MIKIE IS GOING DEEP TONIGHT!”
12:45 Takes yet another dump, uses Mauer’s $350 silk shirt to wipe.
1:05 Game starts, Mikie tells Gardenhire he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers.
1:25 Mikie announces in the bottom of the first that he is ready to pinch hit for Mauer.
1:45 Jason Kubel comes in, Mikie tells him he sucks and will be back at AAA Rochester by 7 tonight.
1:55 Mikie’s 4 Dome Dogs arrive, pays with Mauer’s credit card.
2:15 Finishes shopping with Mauer’s credit card, maxed it out at Auto Zone.
2:30 Dozes off.
3:30 Sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and Garza.
3:33 Announces himself ready to pinch hit in the ninth.
4:30 Twins lose game, Mikie tells Gardenhire he should have DH’ed him.
5:00 Mikie tells Mauer singles are for p**sies.
5:30 Mikie takes batting practice again, refuses to bunt.
5:33 Mikie hit 22 pitches over the wall 11 fair, 11 foul, all pulled, he missed 15 pitches.
6:00 Mikie see’s name in lineup, calls Gardenhire a p**sy for batting him 8th. Asks Jason Bartlett if he is Mexican.
6:05 Mikie demands to bat cleanup.
6:25 Announces that Mikie is going deep tonight.
6:30 Dinner arrives, 2 steaks. Mikie pours steak juice into Mauer’s locker and makes Carlos Silva eat the fat.
6:35 Mikie gives Scott Baker an atomic wedgie.
7:00 Tells Garza to show some balls tonight and don’t throw anything in the dirt.
7:10 Scoreless first. Mikie tells Gardenhire it must be the catching. Asks Boof Bonser if he knows any Mexicans. Boof says no, Reyes runs and hides in the bullpen.
7:25 Mikie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep.
7:27 Mikie screams at pitcher, tells him he is a p***y and he is taking him deep.
7:30 Mikie hits bomb off the wall, coasts into second. Almost gets thrown out.
7:31 Tells pitcher his fastball sucks. Tells shortstop and second baseman that he “didn’t get all of it.”
8:15 Man on first, no one out. Mikie says “Smell those RBI’s.” Mikie ropes a rocket to third, third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Mikie.
8:16 Fans boo Mikie.
8:17 Mikie tells family of 4 to get lost and steals some kid’s hot dog on way to dugout.
8:18 Mikie is tired and is happy he hit into a double play, as he did not want to run the bases anymore.
9:10 Mikie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs. Calls pitcher/catcher/ump all p**sies.
9:30 9th inning. Mikie is exhausted. Walks out to the mound and calls Joe Nathan a p**sy and tells him to just bring the heat. Mikie wants to get home.
9:50 Twins win. Mikie showers and walks around the clubhouse naked.
9:55 Mikie shaves and leaves a goatee.
10:00 Knocks Mauer off his exercise bike. Calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse.
10:10 Cuts off 4 Twins fans. Gives the bird to everyone near him.
10:25 Arrives at Chinese Restaurant on Hennepin.
10:45 Sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for 3.
12:00 Stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn, goes for a dip in his above ground pool.
12:10 Leaves tighty whiteys on his neighbor’s windshield.
12:15 Walks into the house naked and screams “WHO SAW THE BOMB I HIT TONIGHT?”
12:30 Wakes up the whole neighborhood.
12:45 Takes 35 swings naked and orders porn.
12:55 Pulls out a bucket of KFC and gets ready for the movie.
1:15 Mikie passes out on couch.
